Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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