So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
