I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
