I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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