I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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