i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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