it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
