SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
