I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Randomize
