Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
