i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Pants are for mortals
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
