maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
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All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
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He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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