I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
