she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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