You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
You can't special order awesome
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!