So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
