man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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