im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
