the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
