After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
