I think I died a long time ago.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
