You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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