I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
