we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
