just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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