I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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