Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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