I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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