Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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