If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
