I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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