i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
