explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
