in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
