I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
