I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
