dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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