thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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