Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My balls are so social today.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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