So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
