I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
