I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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