She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
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Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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