I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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