do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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