If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
