we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
