Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
