you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
