Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
