i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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