...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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