I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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