FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
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Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
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Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
All the doctor said was why
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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