Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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