I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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