there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
